maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. -arthur miller



It's moving day here at pushing20! Please visit me over at bex.typepad.com, where I'll be posting from now on.

See you there.


College Football

Now, I'm not a huge football fan. I'm more of a baseball girl, given the option. That said, I've spent a considerable number of hours over the last week parked on the couch watching the various Bowl games, and it's been a good time.

The Orange and Rose Bowls were particularly awesome games. Three overtimes = exciting game, even if you don't give a crap who wins. And UT's comeback in the fourth quarter last night was incredible to watch. I was sure USC had it in the bag when I forget who from UT was taken off the field with his arm in a splint. I turned to Matt, on the couch next to me, and said "Well, at least it won't be his fault that his team lost the championship game. He can just point to his arm and be all, 'I tried! I broke my ARM I tried so hard!'" And then it turns out that USC might be a very good team, but Vince Young is twice that amount of good. Game over.

So I'm all about the watching of the college football. But when it comes to actual real live college football players? I'm fed up with 'em. I was watching tv tonight in my dorm lounge when six football players came in to play beirut and blast really terrible music. So much for Project Runway. Football players on my campus are cute, but generally a menace. In my dorm alone they've caused almost a thousand dollars of damages, but haven't fessed up to it so the cost will be passed on to the rest of us who live here. Considerate fellas.

In conclusion, I like college football best on television. Go away, football players. It's division III, for god's sake. You're not exactly Vince Young over here.



It's been three days since I saw Brokeback Mountain, and I can't stop thinking about it. Let me first say: See This Movie. It is one of the few recent movies that I wouldn't hesitate to call capital-I-Important.

Heath Ledger has been getting accolades aplenty for his portrayal of Ennis Del Mar, and they are well-deserved. Ledger completely transforms himself in this role; he speaks, moves, and breathes Ennis. As Jack Twist Jake Gyllenhall is, while marginally less brilliant than Ledger, is the character that makes you believe that these two could be in love, if only because you see in his every move how much he himself believes it.

The sheer sadness of the story is what has kept it on my mind all week. It's hard to remember when you watch the movie and are immersed in the Western scenery that the movie takes place in the 1960's up through the eighties. This isn't the nineteenth century, and it can't be dismissed as history. When Ennis recalls the brutal murder of a gay man (and when one is seen later on in the film), the Matthew Shephard connection is unavoidable. A period piece this is not.

Unable to imagine a life together after an idyllic summer on Brokeback Mountain tending sheep, Ennis and Jack part ways. There is no teary goodbye, buy each realizes what he is leaving behind. Jack breaks down in his pickup as he drives away, and in a nearby alley Ennis violently cries and vomits as his reality sets in.

Jack's marriage to Lureen (Anne Hathaway-- watch her last scene, it's brilliant) is probably the most unhappy marriage ever in a Western, next to Ennis and Alma's (the revelatory Michelle Williams) marriage. Ennis and Jack lead terrible lives punctuated by the shocking passion and sadness of their occasional reunions.

Two twentieth century cowboys trapped by society and paralyzed their own lives and fears, Ennis and Jack could have been saved by one tiny thing.

Each other.

At the end of the movie Ennis is wracked by grief after losing the man he always loved, and more importantly the chance they once had together. For the first time Ennis is able to verbalize his twenty-year commitment to Jack, the man who could tritely be called his soulmate. It's a terrible moment, and one that is awesome to watch. Don't miss it.


Airing Out

Note to self:

If you wake up and your room smells truly funky and your mouth tastes like vomit, you probably threw up somewhere. Even if you don't remember it.