pushing20

maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. -arthur miller

2.15.2005

And I thought tonight sucked two hours ago...

Valentines Day sucks. I swore to myself I wouldn't write the lame "Valentines Day sucks" entry, but something just happened that pushed me over the edge. Valentines Day SUCKS.

I IM'd HSG about an hour ago and we started talking. About nothing, really. Me complaining aobut chem, him telling me he didn't have class tomorrow, whatever. I asked how V-Day had been, just offhand becuase it was something to say. And I guess I wanted to hear that it was nothing.

Turns out? His Valentines Day was "really good". He didn't offer details, and then asked me about mine. I basically spat that it was totally lame, that the only people I got stuff from were Jen, my parents, and my brother's best friend, which made me feel totally cool. I admitted that I was just being a stupid girl, and that I would get over it. Then, I asked him what had been so good. "do you really want to know why my valentines day was really good, after all that?" HSG answered.

I freaked the fuck out.

I quickly typed "I have to go. Talk to you later", and signed off. Shitshitshit. HSG has a goddamn girlfriend. I hate this. I was so fucking sure we were going to get together this summer, and after not seeing each other for two years and it was going to be great. I had it all worked out in my head. And now he has a girlfriend. Maybe. Something, anyway, that made his Valentines Day "really good".

I hate this. I never, ever want to think about this ever again, but it's all I can think about. I want to fall in love with someone else and get my heart broken just so I don't have to think about HSG anymore. I want to not feel so alone sometimes.

I am such a fucking girl sometimes, it kills me.

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